


I Want To Disappear

by less_than_happyy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Coping, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Family, Genderqueer, Genderqueer Character, Multi, Queerplatonic Relationships, Running Away, The Potters Live, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 13:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4789151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/less_than_happyy/pseuds/less_than_happyy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Marauders – it’s hard calling themselves that after Peter – managed to defeat Voldemort, and are stumbling through adulthood without a war. Harry should get a normal life with his parents and his uncles. But Remus is worried. Because Harry doesn’t seem okay. He doesn’t seem okay at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want To Disappear

**Author's Note:**

> It's an exploration of how depression affects the intersections of family within the context of the Marauder's defeating Voldemort in their time. And things... aren't as easy as they hope it's going to be. Or, a story in which Harry and Sirius are depressed, James is kind of an ass, and Lily and Remus are trying to just hold everyone together. Also, wolfstar, another werewolf, animagi, and queer characters. I hope you like it.

It started when Harry was eight, and scared everyone to death and back. He simply disappeared.

The call Remus had answered from Lily as she panicked about where her son could possibly be, and threw random pieces of information about what he had been last wearing, and where they had last seen him, and James was out looking for him, and the invisibility cloak was missing, _and he’s their son and he’s eight and they’re magic why can’t they find him_ , at him, had been one of the most intense conversations that Remus had ever had. And afterwards, after promising to keep a look out for him, and that he’d talk to Sirius, Remus had quietly just stood there processing the information that Harry was missing without a trace.

Sitting Sirius down and explaining to him that Harry was _somewhere_ was hard. Sirius wanted to go and join James and Lily in searching near where they had last seen him, because he could transfigure into Padfoot and he’d be able to smell him, and Remus calmly talked him out of it, convinced him that he’d be of use here until James and Lily requested for them to go and try and find him.

Two days later, they found him. Though, arguably, Harry found them. Remus got home to a sensation that he knew too well, and as if on cue, Harry jumped out from underneath the invisibility cloak with a loud, “Boo!” Remus had jumped, but it had little to do with Harry’s attempt to startle him. It was because Harry was in his and Sirius’ living room, smiling like the whole thing was a joke.

Of course there was an initial once over, make sure Harry wasn’t hurt or scared or confused, feed him, and then he called Lily and said that Harry was there. Remus listened as Harry and Lily talked on the phone, and idly wondered if later she’d be mad at Harry, because if her emotions were any like his own, she was just relieved at the moment. And then Harry loudly drawled, “We should visit as a family! We haven’t _all_ –” Remus cringed “– been here in forever.” Which was how Lily, James, Remus, Sirius, and Harry spent four days together, before the Potter’s left Sirius and Remus to their quiet home again.

On a call with Lily sometime later she quietly said that Harry sometimes disappeared. Never for as long or to as far away as that time, but would just wander off for most of a day every month or so. “ _I don’t know why_ ,” she had said, just as softly, because he always turned up again with a smile and jokes, accepted any potential punishments, and was completely fine.

They all got together a few times a year. Harry seemed to like him and Sirius. Remus was still almost scared to interact with him. Nobody else had that fear.

Harry was ten the next time a frantic phone call came, and this time he’d been missing for a day and a half. Sirius, the one who had answered, was astounded, and Remus calmly brewed two cups of tea as he listened to Sirius and James argue because _why hadn’t James said something the moment Harry disappeared_. When Sirius got off the phone and Remus pushed the cup at him, Sirius growled, “You seem far too calm.”

Remus took a sip of his tea and waited for his companion to do the same. “According to Lily, Harry disappears quite often.” Sirius blinked. “According to her, he disappears for three quarters of a day about once every month, month and half. This is one of two times he’s disappeared for longer than that. And you know where he ended up last time he disappeared longer than that.”

“I didn’t know he made a habit of this.”

“Apparently,” was all Remus could think to say.

And if he was being honest, he wasn’t that surprised when that evening Harry showed up at their door. He had Sirius call James, with a quip about the fact that Sirius should apologize – he begrudging nodded – before going and sitting with Harry on the back porch.

“You sure you’re alright?” Remus said quietly. And Harry nodded, still looking out at the yard.

“Nervous,” Harry said after a minute.

“Nervous?”

“About Hogwarts,” Harry elaborated.

“You shouldn’t worry,” Remus said quietly.

“Ma and dad keep saying that, I don’t need to hear it from you too, Moony.”

“You’ll have a great time. Make great friends. Maybe, even cause some trouble. What with you running off all the time, I imagine, lots of tricks coming from you,” Remus said, and Harry shook his head.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sneak around there very easily. It’s easy at home.”

“How so?”

Harry shrugged. “Mom and dad argue, I slip out unnoticed,” he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and Remus felt cold.

When James and Lily showed up the next day for tea and to collect Harry, Remus spent a fair amount of time talking himself out of asking them about what Harry had said. When they left and Sirius called him on his absent mind, Remus told Sirius. And Sirius frowned, but didn’t seem surprised. “James told me a while back that he and Lily fight on occasion. He said it’s never about anything big.” Sirius said.

“When is anything with Prongs small?” Remus had replied, and Sirius couldn’t give him an answer.

The next time Harry showed up on their doorstep, it was completely unexpected.

Sirius was in the middle of cooking dinner while Remus fought the headache that rang in his head with it being two days before a moon. Tomorrow, he’d be out of sorts all day. Occasionally, Sirius would call over a soft question about the trip to Godricks Hollow to visit the Potter’s that they were making in a week for most of Harry’s winter break from his second year at school.

A knock on the door caught Remus’ attention, and he almost thought he imagined it until another knock flowed across the room. “If you give me a minute I can get it,” Sirius called, but Remus was already standing up.

“Nah, I’m fine, love,” he replied as he walked to the door, rolling sore shoulders. He opened the door with a, “Hello,” and blinked at Harry.

“Hi Moony. May I come in?” Harry asked, and Remus just nodded, stepping aside, unsure of what to say or do.

He finally settled on, “Sirius, is there enough for three?”

And Sirius’ head poked into the living room to look at the front entry way. Remus watched his eyes widen and surprise shift almost elegantly across his body even as he said, “Harry! What a surprise! Of course we have enough for him. Actually, Harry, do you want to join me in finishing up dinner?” Sirius gave Remus a look, a _call-Lily-and-James-and-tell-them-we-have-your-son-for-some-reason_ look, as Harry agreed to help. Remus took Harry’s jacket and scarf before directing him to kitchen with a soft gesture. Harry gave him a beaming smile before running to the kitchen.

Remus stared at the numbers on the phone before he breathed in, and typed in the number with his eyes closed. “This is James,” his friend replied, and Remus tried to think of how to start. What to say.

“We have your son,” he settled on.

And he thought he heard James choke before he said, “Oh thank Merlin.”

“Why?” Remus asked.

“We went to pick him up from the train earlier today and couldn’t find him. He’s already gotten to your place? That’s impressive.”

“James.”

It was quiet on the other end, and then a soft sigh. “He wanted to stay at Hogwarts with a friend. We said no. When we couldn’t find him I thought he stayed behind somehow,” James rushed out. “When should we be there?”

“James.”

“Yes, Remus?”

“As much as I care for your son, which I promise you, is a great lot, the moon is in two days, and Sirius can’t take care of me and Harry,” Remus said. The oh that came from James’ end almost hurt to hear, because there was a time when even when they weren’t together James always checked in around the moon. Now he didn’t even remember the moon was in two days. Remus idly wondered if James thought the moon was beautiful again. Maybe the tirade that James had gone on about how horrible the moon was had been a joke. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe…

“Lily and I could come tonight, and she can take Harry somewhere for a few days, and the three of us can spend the moon together,” James said, and Remus smiled.

“Tonight,” Remus said.

“See you later, Moony,” James said.

“Later, Prongs.”

Remus went back to the couch, but didn’t sit, simply picked up his tea and moved into the kitchen, and smiled at Sirius and Harry, who were playing more than they were cooking.

When dinner finally ended up on the table, Remus said, “Your mom and dad are going to be around later this evening.” Harry nodded, but didn’t reply, poking some at his food. “And you and your ma are going to go and spend a few days together. Maybe you could convince her to pay for some presents to give to your friends,” he said, and Harry perked up; Remus glanced briefly at Sirius before saying, “and Padfoot, your dad, and I are going to spend a few days together, but then we’ll all get together and spend the rest of your break together. Maybe,” he looked back at Sirius for a moment, hoping he wasn’t overstepping any boundaries, “we can even convince your parents for all of us to stay here instead of going to your home, if you’d like.”

At this, Harry was smiling, and nodded quickly.

“Sounds like a plan,” Sirius said with a smile.

The winter break flowed well. The moon was uneventful, even with the re-addition of Prongs, and having all the Potter’s in their home was nice. Busy. But Remus was worried about Harry, because he always deflated when he thought nobody was looking, and it worried Remus.

“Is Harry okay?” Sirius asked first, one night when the four were staying up late together. Remus watched Lily and James glance at each other, like they were trying to silently agree as to what they could spill, and Lily let out a soft sigh.

“We’re not sure,” Lily said. “He was really upset when we said he couldn’t stay at Hogwarts, but this seems… out of place.”

Remus scoffed, and his friends looked at him. “He runs off every month and you can’t find him, and he makes a request to stay at somewhere he clearly enjoys to be, you get in fight about it, and are surprised that he shows up at our house?” Remus said, inwardly cringing at how rude he was being. Sirius calmly placed a hand on his leg and rubbed it softly. Remus breathed in and out slowly.

“And what are you saying, Moony? That we’re bad parents?” James snapped.

“Oh, come on Prongs, you know that’s not what I’m saying,” Remus growled back. Sirius’ hand tightened slightly on his leg.

“Then what _are_ you saying?”

“James,” Lily said gently.

“No, I want to know what –”

“I’m just saying that there is something going on with Harry that makes this seem like normal behavior,” Remus said softly, focusing on Sirius’ hand that was softly rubbing his leg again. “I’m not placing blame. Just pointing out behavior. Because you can’t pretend there isn’t a pattern here.”

Silence slid between all of them.

“He told me he feels safe here,” Sirius said, and Remus wondered if that was quite the correct thing to reveal in that moment, but it was too late now, the words were there for James and Lily to have.

“We could,” Lily began as James stared at a wall, “only if it’s okay with you two of course, perhaps have him spend some more time here this summer? Just a month, perhaps.”

James sighed loudly and then looked at Sirius and Remus. “Do you think that would help?” James asked. Remus glanced at Sirius.

“Perhaps?” Remus said quietly, still looking at his partner.

Sirius gave him a smile. “We can take him for a month this summer,” Sirius said. Remus nodded.

After the four of them wished Harry off on his third year at Hogwarts, Lily pulled Remus aside and happily told him, “He didn’t disappear all summer.” And Remus was relieved.

The next phone call in which Harry was missing was over a year later. “He hasn’t done this in ages,” Lily had said, “he’s already been gone for two days,” and Remus thought she sounded like holding back tears, and he finally asked what was on his mind.

“Did you and James have a fight?” The silence spoke volumes.

“A small one, the other day,” she said quietly. There was a pause. “It was nothing. Why?”

“Just something Harry said to me at one point. Don’t worry about it. He’ll turn up soon.”

Soon, was five days later, to the point where even Remus was fidgety and worried. The knock on the door had both him and Sirius up in a heartbeat, hoping. Sirius pulled open the door, and there Harry stood. “Harry,” Remus breathed, suddenly not sure what to do, so he settled on, “would you like something to eat?”

It was the sulkiest that Remus had ever seen Harry. And as Sirius started to collect something for Harry as he sat at the table, slightly hunched, Remus tried to figure out what to do. “Can you,” Harry started, and Remus and Sirius both looked at him, “not tell my parents I’m here yet?” Sirius was frozen, but Remus nodded.

“But we’ll have to tell them soon,” he said. “They’re very worried about you. Unbelievably so.”

“Yeah,” Harry said with a sigh, propping his chin on his hand, “I know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius asked.

“Not really.”

The evening was quiet, Harry almost in another world as Sirius and Remus went about their evening, making a meal, and finishing work, before settling on the couch together with tea, like they did every evening. Harry sat curled up in a chair with a quill and a journal, though wasn’t writing anything as far as Remus could tell. Remus leaned his forehead into Sirius’ arm, and Sirius gently rubbed a hand along his neck and through his hair, and Remus hummed.

“How did you figure out you liked boys?” came Harry’s soft voice, quiet enough, that Remus almost missed it.

“Which one of us?” Sirius replied, still circling his thumb against the nape of Remus’ neck.

“Either,” Harry said after a moment.

“Well,” Remus said, pulling back from Sirius, “I thought boys were pretty when I was little. Eventually, when I was older, they were the people I usually found more attractive, and almost exclusively the people that I wanted things like relationships with.”

Sirius hummed and tipped his head to the side. “I thought I just liked girls for a long time,” Sirius said. “They were pretty, and graceful, and fun to mess with,” a half smile poked its way on to his face, “so it seemed natural. And then there was this guy, a grade beneath us at Hogwarts, who during our sixth year told me he liked me, and I could see it. Not specifically with him, because I hardly knew him, but the concept, of boys being attractive, and being people I was attracted to, just made sense. And then there were boys who I began to find attractive, which was its own mystery for a while, because I didn’t know how to approach a boy, or if it was okay for me to like boys, or anything. So I stumbled around the communication part, and basically ignored what I was doing until a certain somebody called me on my behavior.” Sirius grinned at Remus who rolled his eyes.

“How did my ma and dad end up together?” Harry asked, and Remus tried to think of how to answer that.

“Your dad liked her for an awfully long time,” Sirius said. “And she eventually liked him back.”

“Eventually?”

“She thought he was too forward, in the beginning,” Sirius said. “He mellowed out a fair bit.”

Remus wondered when an understatement became a lie, but ignored it, because explaining the entirety of James and Lily wasn’t something that he knew how to do.

“What about you two?” Harry asked.

“We were friends for years. And like Padfoot said, _somebody_ called him on… being flirtatious,” Remus said. Sirius chuckled softly. Understatement, again. But less of a lie. “Is there somebody you like?” Remus asked, and Harry shrugged.

“I don’t know. Maybe,” Harry said, eyes flicking back to the window with a sigh, which shifted into a yawn.

“Tired?” Remus asked, and Harry nodded. “I can set up a bed for you, if you’ll come help me get some bedding. It’s –”

“In the closet at the end of the hall, I know,” Harry said, getting out of his chair, and setting the journal and quill down. “I can go get that.”

“Right. You go do that and I’ll start to get your room ready,” Remus said, also standing, but pausing to wave Harry towards the hall. He turned to his partner. “Sirius?”

“Right,” Sirius said, getting up and heading toward the kitchen as Remus headed towards the small library room that contained the extra bed. Remus quietly went about casting enchantments to pick up some books and neatening the bed frame as he cleared off the desk, putting a pile of paperwork that he still needed to sign for his coming stay at Hogwarts – he wondered what Harry would think of that – into the desk.

He heard Harry stop in the door way, and said to him, “Am I allowed to know where you’ve been for the past week?”

“I went and visited a friend,” Harry said.

“Ah. I snuck off one summer to visit Sirius and James,” Remus said as he carefully charmed on the sheets and blanket. Harry made a noise, almost disdain, Remus thought. He opened the wardrobe and pulled out a pillow and tossed it to Harry.

“When are any of you going to call it what it is?” Harry asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. Remus leaned against the wall by the door and watched him.

“Call what, what?”

“I’m not just sneaking off,” Harry said, “I’m running away. I don’t want to go back there.” Remus continued to be stuck on what to say. What to do.

“Why not?” he asked.

Harry shrugged. “I don’t like them,” Harry said. “I want to like them, but I just don’t.” Remus pressed his lips together as Harry stared pointedly at the ground. “My friend thinks… she said that she thinks I’m depressed,” Harry said quietly, and Remus’ eyebrows rose. “But I don’t know. She’s the brightest in our class, so I should probably believe her, but I don’t know.”

“If you are,” Remus said quietly, “that would be okay.” Harry shrugged, flopping on his back on the bed. “You should get some sleep,” Remus said, and Harry nodded from his place on the bed.

“Moons,” Harry called as Remus began to leave.

“Yes, Harry?”

“Do you and Padfoot ever fight?” Remus frowned as his suspicion began to take hold.

“Occasionally.”

“What’s that like?”

“We disagree on something, might even raise our voices, and then do our best to work it. Give each other space if we need it. But we make an effort to not be mean – try and work things out without hurting each other.”

“That’s not fighting,” Harry said. Remus let out half of a chuckle.

“Then what is it?”

For a few seconds, Harry didn’t say anything, before saying quickly, “That’s not _fighting_.”

“If you say so. Goodnight, Harry.”

“Goodnight, Moons.”

Remus shut the door and walked through the house to the kitchen, where Sirius was holding the phone to his ear, with a frustrated expression on his face. “ _Lily_ ,” Sirius said, frustration twisting his features, “just let him stay here for a few days. He’s clearly upset. Just –” there was silence for a moment before he groaned. “You aren’t listening!” he snapped, and Remus watched as Sirius battled with his temper, taking a deep breath. “He’s upset and he showed up here. He’s safe and fed. He doesn’t want to talk. Just give him a few days.” There was a pause. “ _He asked for us to not tell you he’s here._ It wouldn’t be long. Just – just until Sunday. That’s three full days. Then come get him, okay?” Remus walked over to Sirius and placed his hand over Sirius’ which was grabbing the counter so tightly his knuckles were white. “I’ll keep you updated,” Sirius said, adding, “I promise,” after a moment. Remus stood with Sirius as he finished the phone call. Sirius groaned as he hung up, leaning his head on Remus’ shoulder. “Sorry I didn’t ask permission first.”

“That’s alright,” Remus said. “He wants to stay here, and I enjoy having him around. Are you okay?”

Sirius nodded against him as they melded into a hug. “Just… overwhelmed. And before you ask, yes, I’ve been taking my potions.”

“I wasn’t going to ask. I trust that you have been,” Remus murmured.

“Sorry,” Sirius replied.

“Don’t be. Actually,” Remus paused, and pulled away so they could meet each other’s eyes, “I think Harry might benefit from you talking to him about your depression, and potions you’re able to take for it.”

“You think he’s depressed?” Sirius asked.

“I’m not sure, Pads. But Harry told me a friend of his thinks he is. And I remember what you were like before we found you your potions. It’s possible,” Remus said. “And he does keep running away from home – he called it that, not me.”

“I could talk to him about it,” Sirius murmured.

Talking to him about it didn’t really happen. When Sirius asked if he could talk to Harry about depression, Harry stood up, said no, and went and sat on the back porch, eventually coming in with a quiet apology for shouting. The rest of their time together was nice. Harry was quiet, but still interacted with them, and there were no other disagreements, not even when Remus told Harry that his parents would be arriving later that day.

When Lily and James arrived Remus felt all but relieved at the _shift_ he watched Harry make. Of everything being fine, and turning back into the goofing off jokester that Harry was. Acting like the whole thing was a game. And like he didn’t have any negative emotions. Happily sitting at the table and having dinner with all of them. It reminded Remus of how Sirius acted around certain people when they were younger. Occasionally, they’d share a look, and Remus knew Sirius saw what he was seeing.

“Hey Prongs,” Sirius said, as the Potter’s began to head towards leaving, “can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure,” James replied, and the two of them separated into the kitchen to talk about something.

“Well, I’ll be seeing you soon, Harry,” Remus said with a smile.

“You will?”

“Yes. I’ve been meaning to mention that I was asked to teach a class at Hogwarts this semester, so I’ll be around whenever you want to talk,” he said.

“Will be you be teaching my class?”

“I don’t see why not. They wouldn’t just have me randomly not teaching fifth years.”

“That’s great!” Harry said with a genuine smile. A shout from the other room, made it falter as the three glanced towards the kitchen.

“I’ll be back in just a moment, dear,” Lily said, tapping Harry on the shoulder and hurrying – as calmly as possible – toward the kitchen.

“You can even talk to me about them, if you’d like,” Remus said, and Harry nodded.

“I don’t know what I’d say,” Harry replied.

“You don’t have to know.”

James exchanged terse goodbyes with Sirius and Remus before leaving, and Lily looked tired as she smiled and gave them hugs and soft farewells. “He thinks it’s our fault,” Sirius said as soon as the door shut, walking – stalking – towards the kitchen. Remus followed.

“Who thinks what?”

“James,” Sirius growled grabbing the tea pot, holding it for a moment, then shoving it into Remus’ hands, “thinks that Harry running away – which he won’t even _call_ running away – is our fault.”

Remus started filling the kettle with water. “You know that’s not true, Sirius.”

“He _said_ , that we’re making an issue _worse_. Like _we’re_ Harry’s parents and _we’re_ the ones that should be taking better care of him and _we’re_ at fault for anything potentially wrong with Harry and that how _dare_ we offer our home to Harry for a few days to calm down,” Sirius all but shouted.

“Well, you are Harry’s g’dfather.”

“ _Remus_!” Sirius yelled, and Remus raised his hands and leaned against the counter.

“I was just trying to calm you down with a joke, love. I’m sorry. It was out of place.” He watched as Sirius closed his eyes, and he remembered the woman that Hogwarts had gotten Sirius to talk to on occasion for a few years that gave him tips and tricks to help him deal with the world. Sirius had grabbed counting and held on to it. Remus counted down from ten in his head, watching as Sirius visibly relaxed, shoulders dropping, posture becoming more comfortable, clenched hands loosening and being placed in pockets, and tightly closed eyes slowly opening. Sirius breathed in and out – Remus breathed with him. “Can I hug you?” Remus asked.

“Can we finish talking, first?” Sirius replied, and Remus nodded. Silence echoed as Sirius didn’t say anything.

“James was out of line. It happens. He’s overwhelmed and scared – his son disappeared for over a week. You’re tired and upset and just got in a big fight with your best friend, and were probably also out of line. That happens,” Remus said, and Sirius nodded.

“I’m just trying to help,” Sirius said quietly, “and James wants to fix the issue all by himself, but also won’t even call it an issue. The entire time we’ve all been in company, Harry talks to _Lily_ like they could get along, but he and James hardly interacted, and when they did it was just fake cheer.”

“I know. I was watching.”

“James was like that with me,” Sirius said quietly. “When we were younger and I didn’t know what was wrong – that there was something wrong – he treated it like a non-issue. Which can sometimes be nice, but usually isn’t. I just figured that James wouldn’t treat his son like that.”

“We’re all struggling,” Remus replied. “We’ve been through so much. None of us are perfect. None of us know what we’re doing.”

Sirius nodded. “You’ll keep an eye on Harry while you’re at school this year, right?”

“Of course. And when you visit once a month, you can even check in on him. He’d probably like that.”

“Couch?” Sirius asked, and Remus nodded, holding his hand tightly on the way there.

Remus wasn’t exactly surprised by the information that Harry and two of his friends often snuck around the school. Not the school trouble makers – that title belonged to one of Harry’s friend’s older siblings – but definitely always up to something. It was the first time Remus had ever seen Harry interact with friends, which was almost strange to discover. He couldn’t even remember reading a letter from James or Lily saying Harry was having friends over, or a phone call with Lily in which she mentioned him writing letters or missing friends. Remus didn’t even know if Lily and James had met Harry’s friends.

They were all brilliant, and Remus hadn’t seen Harry as bright as he was when he was around them in years. Ms. Granger made Harry smile in a way Remus remembered from Harry’s childhood. Remus had even caught the two of them wandering the halls one night, just chatting about school, and Hermione’s crush on a certain red head, and how they were doing, and Remus let them slip by. And as Remus interacted with her as his student, and heard from other teachers about how passionate she was and how well she did in her classes, Remus had a feeling he knew who Harry had visited that summer.

Harry and Mr. Weasley were always on the borders of schemes, sometimes helping Ron’s brothers out with pranks, and sometimes causing their own. Remus wondered if Harry considered Ron his best friend.

Or perhaps his best friend was Ms. Lovegood, who Harry seemed always at ease around. From what Remus had seen, Luna was the only one he sometimes looked sad around, and Luna seemed to be the one who could consistently cheer him up. Or, perhaps, they weren’t best friends, but something else.

But on the other end were the people who weren’t that great to Harry. Mostly kids with last names that Remus wished he didn’t recognize. Occasionally Harry and Mr. Malfoy would interact, and Remus watched as they shifted across the year to not getting on, to having mostly favourable interactions. He figured that had more to do with Luna than not, who seemed to be friends with Draco.

And then, sometimes, he’d find Harry alone in the most random of places. Sitting by the lake, sitting the closest safe distance from the whomping willow as possible, and at one point on a roof watching the sun set that made Remus remember all the nights that Sirius and he had come up to that same roof and watched the sunset and stared at the stars. They’d never talk much when he found him. He wondered how often Harry slipped off, and if his friends noticed.

Hermione’s comment about Harry being depressed felt real to Remus in a way it hadn’t before.

Remus hoped that the summer would be free of Harry sneaking off, seeing as Lily had quietly mentioned to him that he snuck off less when he got to see him and Sirius more.

And then the call came. A defeated, “He’s missing again,” were the first words Lily said, and Remus sighed.

“Did he ever come home? School ended a week and a half ago,” Remus said.

“Yes, he came home, Remus,” Lily said, and it was tense.

“Lily, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“This time,” her voice hitched, and he remembered the way her voice had sounded when Severus had ultimately been decided guilty, on the brink of crying, but purposefully not, “this time’s different,” she said.

“How so?”

“James and Harry got into a fight and Harry stormed out. That’s never happened before. He’s always just disappeared with some supplies. Other than his wand, he wouldn’t have anything on him,” she said, and Remus frowned. “They don’t usually fight,” she added quickly, like an afterthought.

“They don’t?”

Lily was quiet. Her voice came back hard, “No, they don’t. They get along fine. I’m calling you because he shows up there.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for him and call you if he shows up. When did he leave?”

“A day ago. He took the floo network to our local wizard market, and James lost him in the crowd,” she said. “He left with just his wand, but his owl flew off while James was trying to follow him.”

“Alright. Get some sleep, Lily. You sound exhausted.”

“I’ll try. Good evening, Remus.”

“Good evening.”

When almost a month past and there was no sign of Harry, James and Lily brought the ministry into it, and were distraught to find out that since the end of the school year Harry hadn’t used any magic, and wasn’t traceable. Nobody had seen his owl. The ministry agreed to send people to ask some of his friends and classmates if they had seen him. But nobody seemed to have a clue where he was.

And somehow, it became the logical conclusion that James and Lily stayed at Remus’ and Sirius’ house with them. They’d take the floo network home once a day to make sure Harry hadn’t gone back – though once a day turned into once every other, to once every few – but he was never there. It was a mutual agreement – though James seemed displeased with it – that Harry always ended his disappearances here, so it was where they all were waiting.

And Remus was finally having the full spectrum of a situation that Harry had hinted at for years painted very clearly for him.

James and Lily fought a lot, and never seemed to really come to an agreement. Just cooled down, and that was it. So of course, two days later, they’d have a fight about almost the exact same thing. And it was strange to see his friends – his deeply in love friends – switch from being completely at ease with one another to arguing like they did back at Hogwarts.

Remus remembered when James and Lily eloped, and wondered for the first time since that happened, if that hadn’t been the right call.

Harry had been missing for over a month. Most of the summer.

“If you don’t mind,” Remus started and the two looked at him, “I’ve been wondering what you and Harry argued about before he left.”

“It was nothing,” James said, and Remus clenched his teeth, glancing around the room in hope of a solution that didn’t result in an argument.

“Honestly, Prongs?” Sirius said harshly, “I don’t really believe that.”

Too late.

“It was _nothing_ , Sirius. And you should believe me when I say that.”

“Then why hasn’t Harry turned up _anywhere_? Not here, not elsewhere – he’s not even using magic! Which means he’s purposely trying to be not found. So excuse me if I don’t believe you when you say it was nothing,” Sirius snapped. Remus’ eyes fell on Lily, who had closed her own and appeared to be gritting her teeth, her jaw was so tight.

“Why do all of you think this is my fault!” James yelled before storming across the house, the extra bedroom door slamming. Sirius made an exasperated noise before crossing the room and exiting the house through the back door.

Lily opened her eyes.

“Harry told him that he thinks he might be depressed,” she said. “James didn’t take it well.”

“James didn’t take it well? What is there to take poorly about finding out your son is probably depressed?”

Lily looked at the window, shoulders tense. “He didn’t believe him. Wanted him to try harder. Do better. I’m not sure. I didn’t hear most of the argument,” she murmured.

Remus bristled. “Sirius would be completely nonfunctional without his potions. Depression isn’t just – you can’t just _do_ better or _try_ harder. That’s not how it works.”

“James doesn’t know that Sirius still takes potions.”

“What?”

“He believes that sometime during the war – when it was even harder to get the potions – Sirius stopped taking them, and that he discovered he could be functional without them,” Lily elaborated.

“Where did he ever get that idea?”

“I don’t _know_ , Remus. He said it to me at one point and when I tried to talk to him about it, we got in an argument,” she said.

Remus ran his hands through his hair, and followed Lily’s gaze to the window. “Are you two,” he paused, not sure what was the correct word to finish with, “okay?” He saw her slouch out of the corner of his eye.

“I love him,” she said softly. “I’m very fond of him. He’s my closest friend. But I’m not certain this is how my life would have gone without the war. We were so young. I don’t know how to love anybody else.” Remus continued to watch her. “Do we seem okay to you?” He didn’t have to reply. “Go talk to Sirius. I’m going to go check on James,” she said, voice no longer closer to upset than not. She stood up, gave him a smile, and continued through the house to the extra bedroom.

Sirius was standing on the back porch, breathing slowly, rhythmically, and Remus joined him, breathing with him, and standing next to him. “I love you,” Remus said quietly, and Sirius started crying. He held him close and rocked him back and forth, quietly, hands running down his back and rubbing gently at his neck.

A few days later – and two fights that Remus and Lily desperately tried to talk down – Lily suggested that she and James spend some time back in the house since Harry was still missing. James agreed without expressing an opinion. Remus politely said they were welcome to stay again soon, which Lily received with a smile, and Sirius simply said he’d see them soon.

It was a relief to have their home free of the two, which made Remus feel terrible. These were his friends. His friends that he’d been through so much with and were scared that there child might not be coming back. That were preparing for the worst.

Lily’s letter that arrived just under a week after they left, worried Remus – because she and him always called. They’d agreed long ago that muggle technology served many purposes and filled some gaps that wizards had left. So though they occasionally wrote, it wasn’t common.

_Dear Remus;_

_We have been informed as to where Harry is, which is a great relief, as you well understand. A week ago he arrived at the Lovegood’s home, and Mr. Lovegood sent me a letter informing me of his arrival, and that he is well. He’s also offered his home as a place for Harry to stay the rest of summer vacation, which James and I have considered._

_However, James and I have been talking, and with some of the things that have come up, that Harry has said, and that you and Sirius have mentioned, were thinking that perhaps, he could spend the rest of the summer with you. There’s only just over two more weeks of this break, and Harry enjoys being around you two, and we think it could be a good place for him to stay the rest of his summer. Of course, only if you want him to stay. If not, we’ll consider Mr. Lovegood’s offer more thoroughly._

_I believe that Harry could benefit from staying with the two of you, and though James is unhappy with the prospect because of his fear of this being his fault, has agreed that it could be potentially beneficial for Harry. If you and Sirius agree to house Harry until school, please give me a sign, or write me a letter, or call me, and we can have Harry’s school supplies sent to you, and can inform Mr. Lovegood that the two of you will be collecting Harry. If not, it’d still be lovely to hear from you._

_Have a wonderful evening,_

_Lily_

Remus handed the letter to Sirius when Sirius got home, who agreed to take Harry in immediately. Remus had already put together the extra bedroom. Sirius wrote a response and sent it out that evening.

They waited a day before traveling to the Lovegood’s home. Remus once again wondered what was many magical families obsession with living in the middle of nowhere, so far out of contact with everybody. Arguably, he and Sirius also lived in a place wizards would consider the middle of nowhere, in a quiet muggle neighborhood.

As Mr. Lovegood – _“Just Xeno”_ – let them into his house, Remus could hear giggling coming from the other room. And then Luna walked into the room with a large smile on her face, and gave a slight curtsy to them.

“Hello Mr. Lupin, how lovely it is to see you again,” she said. “And I don’t believe we’ve ever been formally introduced,” she added, extending a hand to Sirius. “I’m Luna Lovegood. He was my defense against dark arts teacher last year.”

Sirius smiled, and said, “Sirius Black. It’s nice to meet you.”

Harry walked into the room a moment later. “I suppose we’re leaving now?” he asked.

“Not before tea!” Xeno exclaimed before rushing by and into another room.

“Apparently, not before tea,” Remus said with a slight smile. He glanced around the house and then to Sirius.

“It’s perfectly alright if you think us odd,” Luna said, moving to sit at a table, “we hear that a lot. Please, you’re welcome to sit.”

Remus watched Harry as he positioned himself on the far end of the table with Luna between him and them.

“Have you two been doing well this summer?” Remus asked. Harry smiled softly, which was a start. Luna beamed.

“I’ve been wonderful, thank you for asking. I got to take a friend of mine out for a weekend backpacking trip about a month ago to visit many places you can see magical creatures. It was really quite wonderful. It’s also been nice having Harry around. He makes wonderful company,” Luna said.

Remus looked to Harry, who shrugged. “I’ve been visiting a few friends. It’s been nice seeing people.”

They all talked about nothing, it seemed, over cups of tea that Xeno brought for them all. Sirius talked about his latest job. Luna spoke of her magical creatures. Harry eventually talked a little bit about a muggle library he had spent some time at. Remus talked about being offered his job at Hogwarts again this year. Xeno talked about his paper.

And Remus felt bad as they were leaving when Luna leaned into Harry and gave him a kiss on the cheek that turned his entire face red. Harry was quiet their entire trip through different floo systems and walks through wizard parts of England until they took the final floo trip to their house and Harry, wide eyed, asked, “Where are we going?”

Sirius glanced around, then looked at him, confused, and said, “Our home? That is where we’re at.”

Harry was standing still as he quietly said, “Oh.”

Remus watched him crinkle up his face and look to the side, and it occurred to him that Harry probably thought that they were going to Lily’s and James’ house, the place that should’ve been his home, and clearly wasn’t. “Unless you don’t want to,” Remus said, “but you are welcome to stay with us until your school year starts again.”

“Of course I want,” his voice shifted the same way Lily’s did when she wasn’t crying, “to stay with you.”

“Would you like a hug?” Remus asked, and Harry fell on to him, trembling, but not crying. Sirius joined, gently wrapping an arm around Remus’ back and Harry’s shoulders.

Eventually, Harry separated himself from the hug, and Remus started making them all something to eat.

There was a clink on the table, and Remus looked over to see Sirius had a set a bottle on the table across from Harry, and sat in the chair behind it. “Harry, can I talk with you about something?” Sirius asked.

“Yes?”

“Do you know what this is?” Remus carefully continued to put together food, but slowed down a little. Stopped his spells in favour of cooking by hand. Let Sirius have time to start this conversation.

“It’s in a potions bottle,” Harry said, “so I assume it’s a potion.”

“Yes, but what _type_ of potion?”

Harry was quiet for a moment, just the sound of him moving the bottle around a little, before he set it down again with a sigh. “I don’t know, Pads. What is it?”

“It’s a healing potion. I started taking a portion of this specific healing potion once a day in my sixth year at Hogwarts. It’s for depression,” Sirius said. Just the sound of Remus cooking played through the room before Sirius continued. “I need it, otherwise I don’t function as well. I’m not happy nearly as often, and things start to lose their point. I’ll always be tired, but feel like I can’t sleep. In the moment of doing something random or daring or fun, those feelings could sometimes feel almost distant enough that I forgot. But usually not. This potion saves my life the same way the Moonys’ wolfsbane potion saves his.”

“Oh,” Harry said quietly.

“There’s nothing wrong with being depressed,” Sirius said quietly, and Remus glanced over in time to watch Harry’s half nod before he looked away.

“I’m not just –” Harry went quiet again. “Maybe if I was just depressed that’d be easier. But I don’t know how to deal with _them_.”

“Your parents?”

“They don’t listen to me. They hardly even talk to me. I don’t want to go back there,” Harry said.

“I’d say give them a chance. Not right now. Right now you need your space, and you need to look into seeing if you want to take something like this to help, and we can start just generally seeing if there’s something that can be done to help,” Sirius said. “But later, if you want, give them a chance. In my experience, it was a lot easier to figure things out when I wasn’t existing in a fog.”

Harry nodded, and Sirius smiled, standing up and ruffling his hair, and moving to put the potion away.

Food was ready a few minutes later, and they all sat around the table to eat. “You and Luna are good friends?” Remus asked, and Harry nodded.

“Yeah, but it’s kind of complicated. We’re not _just_ friends, but we’re not…” he trailed off.

“Do you want her to be your girlfriend?” Sirius asked, and Harry made a face.

“No. I don’t. Also, Luna’s not a girl, so she wouldn’t be my girlfriend. Luna’s my _friend_ , and that’s what I want her to be. I don’t know how to explain it,” Harry said, stabbing a piece of potato with a fork.

“That’s okay,” Sirius said, “you don’t have to.”

The next morning a copy of the Quibbler sat on the table turned open to a page Remus discovered were, _LGBTQIAnd Many More!_ terms, and started to skim over the words, some of which he knew – gay, straight, bi, queer, trans – to the ones he’d never heard of before. He mostly payed attention to the words that had markings by and around them. Next to genderqueer was written, _Luna_ , in Harry’s neat cursive, and aromantic and pansexual were circled with a line connecting them. A small star was next to the words queerplatonic partner, and Remus began to have an idea of what Harry meant when he said he wanted Luna to just be his friend.

“Does Luna use different pronouns?” he asked later, and Harry had blinked at him, and then glanced away.

“She doesn’t really care, usually. Occasionally she’ll ask for neutral ones.”

“Thanks,” Remus said. He wondered if he was supposed to say something more; make a comment about the fact that Harry, in many ways had come out to him and Sirius that morning.

That evening Sirius kept fiddling with the Quibbler Harry had left on their table. “I wish I had known half of these when we were younger,” Sirius finally said.

“So you could’ve figured out you were bi earlier?”

“So I could’ve explained why I was upset when James chose Lily over me.” Remus blinked in surprise as Sirius still stared at the paper. “Queerplatonic partner – the thing that Harry and Luna are?”

Remus’ face softened. “Oh.”

Hermione was the first one they all ran in to at the train. With a smile to him and Sirius, she put a hand on Harry’s shoulder and said quietly to him, “Are you still okay?” Harry nodded and smiled at her.

And they were off for the school year, Harry asking Sirius if he’d really write him, and Sirius giving him a tight hug and saying of course he would. Remus kissed Sirius’ cheek with a, see you soon, before he headed for the cabin in which the teachers usually stayed if they were taking the train over.

The school year was going well, and when Harry wandered into his classroom one evening, Remus was curious, but didn’t want to push; just said, “Hello Harry.”

“Hello Moony.” Not school related then. Remus continued going over papers slowly as Harry fiddled with a few of the trinkets on his desk.

“I do have specific familial attachments with you that make me willing to allow you stay here later than most students, but at some point I need to send you to your tower or get you in trouble.” Harry shrunk a little, but stopped fiddling.

“Padfoot and I write each other weekly,” Harry said.

“He mentioned that to me,” Remus replied. “And?”

“We’ve talked quite a bit about the potions for… depression. And I think I want to try those. Probably,” he added like a way to get out of it. To not make an actual decision.

“That would be great for you,” Remus replied.

“But I don’t know how to start that or who to talk to or if –” Harry cut himself off, pressing his lips together. “Padfoot mentioned that you helped him and I was just wondering if,” his shoulders were raised and tight, “you could help me.”

“Of course,” Remus said. “And Harry, I know it’s hard to believe, but you can always ask for help. You don’t have to go through all of this on your own.”

Remus stopped by Madam Pomfrey’s the next day. “Can I ask a favour?” he said as she moved things around in a cupboard.

“Trying to steal my job?” she asked and he laughed.

“I give students chocolate when they wear themselves out – that’s hardly stealing your job.”

“You help heal students who fall off their brooms during quidditch practice and are the reason half of the slightly ill students who visit me show up before they get worse,” she said turning to look at him more closely.

Remus shrugged, putting his hands up in mock surrender. “I just know what buttons to push to make people take care of themselves,” he said. “Not taking your job. I’m perfectly happy with my current one.”

“If you say so. Now what is it, Remus?”

“I have a student who is depressed. It’s affecting his life quite a lot. If I get him to come in, I would appreciate it if you could make sure he can get started on potions sometime soon,” he said.

She nodded, turning back towards her cupboard, pulling open a drawer and fishing through it. “It’s Harry, isn’t it?” she asked, and Remus almost choked. “Don’t seem so surprised – it is part of my job to make sure my students are healthy, Remus.” He nodded. “You were just as surprised when you brought Sirius in all those years ago.”

“I suppose I was. I had forgotten.”

“How is he doing?”

“Sirius?”

“Who else?”

Remus smiled. “He is doing well. He’ll be visiting soon, actually.”

“Ah, yes,” she said glancing at the window, “it is nearing that time, isn’t it.” Remus nodded and remembered the first time he had woken up after a moon in her care without remembering being taken there. How she shoved chocolate and care and charms for sore muscles at him and taught him the most effective spell to heal wounds caused by werewolves he’d ever encountered. She never treated him differently for being a werewolf, other than to make sure he was as safe and comfortable as possible.

It was part of why he was adamant to Sirius that she would understand.

“Also,” she said, “I’ve been informing teachers that a few mandrake leaves are missing.”

Surprise rang through him, but he simply nodded. “Should I keep my eye out for something specific? If it’s just a few they wouldn’t be something I could just see.”

“See if you overhear anything, or see them. It’s possible. Students aren’t always as sneaky as they think they are. But it’s not the first thing that’s gone missing this year.”

He nodded. “I’ll keep it in mind. Thank you for agreeing to talk to Harry, Madam Pomfrey.”

Nudging Harry to go talk to her took a few days, but Remus knew when he did because Harry wandered into his office again late one night, two days after the moon. He was sorting through some homework as Sirius sat in an extra chair, fiddling with a mind game that had been sitting amongst Remus’ trinkets, feet propped on his desk casually. “Harry!” Sirius exclaimed and Remus wished he hadn’t been quite as loud, but looked up as well.

“Hello Harry,” Remus said, setting down his quill and shifting the papers he was working on to the side.

“Hi Moony; Padfoot,” Harry said.

“How’s it going?” Sirius asked.

Harry looked at his hands. “I talked to Madam Pomfrey today. She said I could take the potions. But I need a permission slip signed by a parental guardian.” Remus remembered that – Sirius had forged a signature, and nobody had asked or tried to verify. “She said Sirius could sign it since Pads is my g’dfather. But I want to at least try my parents first, so I had it sent to them,” he said. Remus pressed his lips tightly together.

Of course he wouldn’t tell Harry that was a bad idea – and in some ways deciding to try and manage your health through your parents made sense to him. But he had an entirely different relationship growing up with his parents than Harry had with his.

“If they don’t support you, or don’t want to sign for your potions, I’ll do it,” Sirius said, and Remus could tell that Sirius was being supportive even though he could practically feel Sirius thrumming with the want to just sign the paper. Get this for Harry.

“Thank you,” Harry said, but it seemed to mean more than just that. “I just wanted to say that,” Harry said, taking a step backwards towards the door. “I’ll see you around?”

“I leave tomorrow, but you’ll receive my letter,” Sirius said. Harry nodded, giving a final wave before ducking out.

“We should go to bed,” Remus said, and Sirius stopped fiddling with his puzzle and frowned.

“You still have papers left to grade.”

Remus stood up and stopped behind Sirius, leaning close to his ear. “So?” They left the office for the night.

Two weeks passed before his fireplace spoke.

“Hey Remus.”

Remus jumped.

“Merlin, Sirius. You could’ve mentioned to me that you wanted to talk,” he said, moving to stand in front of the fire place. The embers that made Sirius’ head grinned at him.

“But what would be the fun in that? Making you jump is my goal in life, Moony.”

“Padfoot, no. We are not going back to that game.”

“Why not? I always thought it was fun.”

“ _I_ didn’t. What do you want, anyways? As much as I enjoy just chatting with you, I highly doubt that you went to all of this trouble just to chat.”

Sirius let a long breath out. “James is _pissed_.”

“Oh dear.”

“He’s furious. Lily said he destroyed the paperwork. She was going to sign it. He found out. Lily –” Sirius’ frown conveyed far too much “– asked me if she could spend a night at our home to calm down and get some distance.”

“You didn’t –”

“How could I say no? Remus, she was so upset. And then James showed up today, because apparently I’m the only one who could’ve put this idea in Harry’s mind,” Sirius stopped there, breathing in and out slowly. “And we argued, and Lily and James argued, and Lily eventually said she wouldn’t sign the paper without James’ consent, but then she gave me this look and I’m not even sure anymore. They went back home. But I suspect you will probably be receiving some sort of contact from James sometime soon.”

Remus crossed his arms. “I’ll tell Madam Pomfrey to send another form to you,” Remus said, and Sirius nodded.

“James is –”

“I don’t know what to do about James, Sirius,” he said too quickly and too loudly. He took his own deep breath. “I want there to be an easy answer. There isn’t.” And for the first time Remus wondered what would happen when Harry went back home this winter break. Saw his parents for the first time since he’d disappeared at the beginning of the summer.

Maybe it would help. Lily and James being able to talk to their son about what was wrong, and how they could help, and ways they could all start interacting without yelling. It would remind them that this was their _son_ and that he was just trying to be happy.

Maybe it would go horribly wrong.

The howler that arrived in his office wasn’t exactly what he was expecting as contact from James.

He was glad it arrived when no else was around so that he could shut his door and hopefully hide some of the sound from the rest of the world.

His mind was too distracted to even think about casting a spell to sound proof the room.

And once the letter was finished, he was even more put off. Because James being angry in theory was different than James yelling at him.

Yelling at him about how he was a bad influence and how Harry was fine and Remus was being intrusive of his son’s life and how it wasn’t his fault that Remus and Sirius couldn’t have a kid of their own, which was what hit him hardest. He thanked something for James not using his lunar illness against him, otherwise he might have had to go have his own yelling match with James

When the howler self-destructed he lit the shreds on fire and watched them burn.

He paid close attention to Harry. Tried to follow any shifts in his mood, or if he was upset, because Remus wasn’t sure if James would have the audacity to yell at Harry too.

Yell at Harry again, he supposed.

Which was why he noticed when Harry missed all of his classes one day. It helped that Luna was missing that day as well, and she was one of his brightest students, even if a bit odd.

He had a feeling he knew where they might’ve wandered off to.

After classes, Remus slid up to the roof and found Luna sitting there with Harry curled up, his head in her lap.

“Do you mind if I join you two?” Remus asked as he approached.

“Please do. Take a seat,” Luna said, gesturing to the roof next to her. “I’m sorry that I don’t have a chair for you, but I promise the roof isn’t too bad.”

“I remember. It’s a nice place to sneak off to to watch the stars at night. Teachers hardly came up here when I was a student.” She smiled at him.

“I know Padfoot signed the paperwork,” Harry said, which was the first time Remus noticed a small jar – the single serving jars that Sirius had had to collect daily – sitting in front of Luna. Remus didn’t know what to say. “I don’t want to go back there,” Harry said, his voice pressed to the same place of not crying, “back to them.”

Remus watched Harry tighten a hand in his hair, and Luna gently placed her own over his, and he released and moved his hand so that Luna could calmly draw her hand through his hair.

“I just want to disappear,” Harry said, and then he was crying.

Remus sat there with them as Harry cried and Luna silently brushed her hand through his hair. And he tried to think of a way that he could solve this for Harry. A way to get Harry out of there that wouldn’t put him and Sirius even more at odds with James.

And Lily. She might be more open about everything, but she still wasn’t helping the situation the way that Harry needed her to.

It occurred to him that he and Sirius might need to choose between keeping some sort of friendship with these people that they had been through so much with, and meant so much to them, and helping their son. Because those two things might not be able to coexist. And that hurt to think.

“Fail transfiguration,” Remus said once Harry’s breathing had slowed to normal with just the occasional sniff. Luna and Harry both looked at him like he wasn’t quite there. “Never, as a teacher, would I recommend that a student purposely fail a class. But Minerva requires all students failing transfiguration to stay the winter break. I can’t give you a long term answer. I don’t know what we’ll do this summer. But that keeps you here for the winter break. Your parents will listen to a letter from Minerva explaining that you need to stay to do school work.”

“And that means you’ll be able to actually stay here with –”

“ _Luna_ ,” Harry interrupted, as a flush spread across his face. Remus raised a brow with half a smile, but didn’t ask for an elaboration.

“Oh, right,” Luna said, smiling at Remus then looking back at Harry. He slowly sat up and picked up the small bottled and swirled it around.

“I guess,” Harry said, looking at the bottle as if it might contain something toxic, “I should take this.” Luna leaned over and squeezed Harry’s knee. Remus watched as Harry stared at the potion, uncorked it, and then looked between Luna and him. “Bottom’s up,” Harry said.

Luna and Remus echoed the phrase as Harry drank the potion with a grimace. “Better than the potion they give you for broken bones,” Harry said through gritted teeth.

Remus didn’t hear from James and Lily.

Though he did hear from Minerva, calmly asking him if he knew why two of her best students were failing her class. He hadn’t had a good response, and she shrugged before he could come up with something, and said that Harry would be staying the winter break, and that she had gotten written consent from James and Lily, but Harry should be prepared to work. Almost like she was informing him.

He had been home for about a week when he decided to call the Potter’s. “Hello? This is Lily,” her voice rang.

“Hey Lily, it’s Remus,” he replied, and she was quiet long enough that he knew she didn’t know what to say.

“How are you doing?” she asked after a little bit.

“I am doing well. Been thinking of you and James. I can’t think of a winter holiday we haven’t spent together since Hogwarts.”

“Oh,” she murmured, and Remus swallowed, unsure. “I wasn’t sure if making plans was the best idea. With Harry staying at Hogwarts and recent disagreements between all of us, it seemed like a bad plan.”

“And ignoring each other is a better one?”

“Remus, I think time between all of us is really for the best right now,” she murmured, and Remus frowned.

“I don’t really agree.”

“And I don’t want this to turn in to another fight.”

“Then just come over for dinner on Friday. You can leave afterward. Don’t have to come early, either. Just come.”

She breathed out, and Remus held his, hoping. “Okay. We’ll be there. When on Friday?”

“Dinner should be ready at six thirty. I’ll see you then, Lily,” he said.

“See you then.”

Dinner was tense. Remus was able to talk about his students with Lily, and she talked back about her own work, and finishing up dinner kept Sirius busy enough – but Remus could see how tight Sirius’ shoulders were, and the way he had his lips pressed together – but James just sat there silently. Something seemed to be on Sirius’ mind that was more than just the tension as they ate dinner. Silence pillowed around them.

“I wanted to say,” Sirius began, “that I’m sorry for whatever you think I did.” He was looking at James, who had stopped eating, but didn’t say anything. “The entirety of us being friends has been you and I pulling stupid shit and jumping to conclusions and getting into rows and never talking about it. Growing up, it didn’t matter. And then there was the war, and we had no time to fix any of our problems. Once the war was over, our problems didn’t seem like problems anymore. But that’s not how that works.”

Sirius’ eyes fell on Remus. “I was terrified of what was happening between Remus and I for years – you might remember that, James. Because all I had ever known how to do was explode and forget and Remus didn’t do that. One of the most terrifying experiences of my life was in the middle of the war, when I couldn’t take my potions, and I was falling back to the old habits that I used to keep myself sane with. Remus tried to explain why being reckless wasn’t a good idea. I snapped at him, and he _left_ and it was _all_ my fault.” Remus remembered.

“I was mad at him for leaving, and myself for arguing. I was mad at the war for making me like this. I was mad at my body for not just letting me function. But mostly, I was scared. I didn’t know where he was, or what he thought, or if he was coming back. I didn’t know how to apologize to him, or how to even begin working things out. And when he showed up again, I wanted to just toss it all under the rug. Just forget. Because that was easier. But that’s not how that works,” Sirius said. “So we all need to actually talk, or we’re going to destroy our friendships for the rest of our lives. And we’ve been through far too much together for that to be what happens.”

James was the first to respond. “What do I need to apologize for?” he asked.

“For shoving me down the stairs in year three just so you could get a better view of Lily,” Sirius replied instantly, and James smiled for the first time that evening. Lily even huffed softly. “For the fowl things you called me last time you were over,” Sirius said, “and for the howler you sent Remus, to start.”

James nodded. “And we need to actually talk about depression,” Remus said.

“I don’t know what there is to say about it.”

“James.”

“What is there to say about it, Lily?”

“That your son is depressed and trying to get help, and every time he’s asked for help you’ve turned him down,” Remus said.

“Oh would you –”

“James, stop it,” Lily said, turning to him. “Actually _listen_ to what they’re trying to say. They just want to help.”

“We don’t need their help with our son!”

“Then why does Harry want to disappear?” Remus shouted, and the table went quiet. “He said that to me the day after he found out you wouldn’t sign for the potions for his depression. He skipped all of his classes for a day and a half. I found him with a friend on the roof top that we used to stargaze on, and he said that among other things. _That’s why he runs away_. Because he wants to disappear and does so in the only way he knows how.”

“Do you even know what Harry wants?” Sirius asked, and James bristled.

“No,” Lily said before he could say anything, and James froze completely.

“Have you asked?” Sirius said.

“No,” James said, his body softening. He leaned his face into his hands.

“We’re not out to get you, James. Or blame this on you and Lily,” Remus said quietly. “We’re not trying to make Harry hate you, or steal him, or something inane like that. We’re trying to _help_ because you’re family, and he’s your son, which makes him family.”

“We survived,” James finally said. “This was supposed to be the easy part.”

“Sometimes surviving one hard spell doesn’t mean you won’t face another. If that was so, I think I would’ve gotten excused from the war just for being a werewolf,” Remus said, earning a chuckle from Lily and Sirius.

“But what do we do?” Lily asked. James looked up at them, and it was hard to see him so defeated.

“Look up some information about depression. Doesn’t have to be much. Just enough to start to understand where Harry’s at and why he’s started taking potions for it. I’d recommend muggle resources – they talk openly about depression and their various treatments for it more than wizards do,” Sirius said.

“And you two need to start doing something about your fighting,” Remus added. “Because fighting around Harry without any conclusion or actual fix to your fight isn’t helping Harry at all.” Lily nodded and James looked to the side. “And after the school year is done, we should all get together and just talk _with_ Harry. Figure out what he wants.”

The rest of the conversation was more casual. Remus worried briefly when James asked who had signed for Harry’s potions, but he simply nodded when Sirius said that he had.

When they finally left, Remus didn’t know where to start, or what to say, or what to do. Like his stitches had been ripped out and his edges were frayed and raw. “What’s wrong, dear?” Sirius asked, and Remus had to fight the impulse to just leave or tell him to leave.

“I need a little space,” Remus murmured, and Sirius nodded, backing away, and continuing to pick up the kitchen. Remus walked out the backdoor and stopped on the porch and breathed.

His skin was still buzzing, so he rubbed his hands through his hair and against his neck, before hugging himself to make his hands stop trembling.

Remus was completely overwhelmed as he stood there in the cold trying to count his breaths, idly wondering how Sirius managed to keep track of his numbers because he couldn’t even think straight.

He was completely thrown off – off balance, off kilter, off his feet – by the intensity of everything that he was feeling. And he didn’t know where it was coming from. “Remus?” Sirius called. He sounded concerned. “I think you should come inside.” He tried to take a deep breath but it felt like the air wasn’t filling his lungs. “Remus?”

“I can’t breathe in there,” he replied rubbing his hands back up through his hair.

“Remus, what’s wrong?” Sirius asked, now standing next to him, and he had no words.

“I don’t – I’m not – I –” Remus tried before stopping. “Can’t think,” he gasped out, and why did his voice sound like that?

“Remus, please look at me,” Sirius said, and he did, and he looked so concerned. He reached out, then stopped. “Can I hold your hands?” Remus nodded, and Sirius’ hands closed around his, and they were _hot_. “Remus, I think you’re having a panic attack,” Sirius said.

“I can’t –” Remus tried again, but his words were stuck somewhere. He tried to breathe to make them exist again, but the air didn’t want to go down his throat.

“We’re going to go inside.”

“It’s too hot in there,” Remus managed, and Sirius just shook his head.

“We can make it cooler, but I promise it’s too cold out here to stay.” Remus disagreed, shaking his head, but still followed Sirius as he led them inside, and to the couch. “Can I hold you?” Sirius asked, and Remus nodded.

Remus wasn’t sure how much time past, just that he was curled into Sirius, who was holding him tightly, rubbing a hand along his shoulders and arms. He breathed slowly, and relaxed the tight grip he had on Sirius’ shirt, and said, “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” Sirius asked quietly, lips ghosting against his head.

“I can think in sentences again,” Remus replied. He shifted slightly so he could actually look at Sirius.

“Have you ever had a panic attack before?” Sirius asked, and Remus shook his head.

“Not like that, at least.” Sirius nodded. “I wasn’t expecting that,” he added. “I was tired and overwhelmed one moment and then too hot and couldn’t think a moment later. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“You don’t get to be sorry,” Sirius replied. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. This has been stressful and overwhelming and huge since Harry disappeared at the beginning of the summer, and before tonight, things have only been getting worse, with no resolve. Your emotions just decided to take you for a little joy ride on a bewitched broom, which isn’t actually an unreasonable response.”

Remus nodded. “After the war – after we had finally beaten Voldemort, and found all of the remaining death eaters, and knew about Pete – and everything was over, I had a panic attack like that. There was just so much that had happened. And I remembered it all.”

He leaned his head back into Sirius. “I just want to sleep and deal with all of this later,” he murmured.

“Well, there are two weeks of the holiday left before you have to go back to Hogwarts.”

The rest of the year was anticlimactic. Harry and Luna’s transfiguration grades were back up to normal faster than Remus thought possible, but it was also Minerva, and Remus had a feeling that she knew a little more about the situation than she was letting on.

“I don’t want to go there,” Harry said, one day towards the end of the year.

“What if we all sat down and talked?” Remus asked and Harry scoffed.

“Like the letter from my dad says? That’s not going to work.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Why do you think it would?”

“He’s reaching out. He’s trying to hear from you. He has said he wants to help.” Harry ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. Remus watched him lean on the railing and stare into the distance. “Harry, you can’t keep running forever.”

“I can’t?”

“At some point, there will be someone too important to leave,” Remus said, “or just nowhere else to go.”

“You and Padfoot will be there?”

Remus ruffled his hair with a smile. “I promise.”

“And my parents aren’t going to make me stop taking the potions?”

“They won’t.” Harry nodded. “How are your potions going, by the way?”

“I think I’ve been feeling better. Less,” he made a vague hand gesture, and then shrugged. “Better.”

They parted ways, and Remus hoped that James and Lily would be easy to talk to. That it wouldn’t turn into a huge fight. He and Sirius seemed to be back on okay terms with them, but it was so close. And James was so scared of Harry not wanting him around or in his life.

They eventually all settled on eating lunch together at the Potter’s home, and as they walked into the house Remus realized he hadn’t been there in ages. The last two times that there had been a plan for them to come over things had gone awry because of Harry’s disappearances. And then everything had been so tense between them that a random appearance like he and Sirius used to do didn’t make sense. But it was strange to realize. It wasn’t like they lived far away from each other.

Harry had stopped by the door to the house when they arrived, not entering until Sirius tapped his shoulder and gave Harry a grand smile and walked in. And watching Harry and James and Lily orbit each other in almost avoidance was heartbreaking, and Remus’ mind drifted to where Harry might disappear this time. They had hugged at the train station, of course, and it occurred to Remus that this was the first time that the three had seen each other in almost a year.

“Is there something you’d like for lunch?” Lily asked turning to Harry who was standing near her.

“Not really. Whatever you have is good,” Harry replied.

“Sirius? Remus?” she said to them instead. Remus shrugged and looked at Sirius.

“I’m not sure,” he said. Silence spread across all of them, so heavy none of them moved from where they spread out across the dining room and kitchen.

“Are we not going to say anything, or are we actually going to talk?” Harry asked from where he stood.

They had ended up in an almost circle, Harry on Remus’ right next to Lily, and Sirius on his left next to James. “I wanted to say that I am sorry,” James said, looking at Harry. “For not listening to you, and not supporting you the way that I should have. And for yelling at you.” Harry nodded slowly, like he didn’t actually hear what had been said to him.

“I am also sorry,” Lily said softly. “I love you, so much, and I haven’t made you feel safe and welcome in your own home. And for that I am sorry.” The same hardly there nod, but his eyes were cast on the floor.

“We want to help, and we’re trying to be better,” James said.

“I don’t…” Harry dropped off. “I’m sorry for running away, and for scaring you,” he said. “I don’t know what else to say.”

“You could try talking about Hogwarts,” Sirius said, which brought Harry’s eyes off of the floor. “What classes you like; who your friends are.”

“I have the greatest friends that I could ever ask for. They’re,” Harry swallowed, “worried about me. They spend so much time worrying about me it makes me feel bad. They always want to help.” He rubbed at his head. “I like school. Hogwarts. I feel like there’s a point when I’m there.”

“Who are your friends?” James said.

Harry watched him for a moment, then said, “It doesn’t matter, does it.”

“No, I’m just –”

“Trying to help? Trying to do better? Why have you never _asked_ before?” Harry snapped, raising his voice.

“Harry –”

“Why don’t you tell them about Luna,” Remus said quickly. Harry looked at him, and Remus didn’t know how to make Harry talk to James, because they were too similar in some ways. Exceptionally different, and yet were both a step away from a fight because of a question. “Or what your winter break was like.”

“What is there to say? And why does it matter? Are we just going to pretend that everything is okay? Because it isn’t, and we’re acting like everything is just fine.”

 “James and I are struggling with knowing that we’ve hurt you,” Lily said calmly. “Which isn’t okay. We’re your parents. We’re supposed to be the last people who could possibly hurt you. And we’ve failed that job. We’re trying to figure out what we have done, and what we can do better.”

“I don’t know what you can do,” Harry said. “I want to like you. I want to like here. But I don’t. And I can’t just make that happen instantly.”

“Then it doesn’t have to,” James said, and everybody looked at him. “But keep us updated with where you’re going. If you – if you need to go somewhere else, mention the friend by name. And tell us about some of your favourite classes. And we’d find that we have something in common.”

“Okay,” Harry said softly. They were all subdued as Lily made lunch and tea, but it wasn’t completely uncomfortable. Remus couldn’t help but watch as Harry walked around the living area of the house and would pick something up, or look out a window, or sat in a chair, instantly falling into a specific position that was some type of habit. The type of habit that came from years in a space.

It was part way though lunch when Harry said, “I don’t really want to be here.”

And nobody knew how to respond to that.

“I want to try and fix what’s gone wrong between us,” he said. “And being here for a little while isn’t awful. And seeing you two is even nice. But this place feels like anything but a home.”

Harry was staring at the table. James looked – James looked heartbroken, but didn’t say anything. “Where would you stay?” Lily asked slowly, her voice on the edge of crying. Harry swallowed, glancing up at his parents.

“I have a couple of friends that I could see,” he said. He was quiet, hesitant. “I spent most of last summer at Hermione’s, though Ron said that I should visit his family this summer. And Luna wants to take me out hiking with her and Draco. Neville said that if I run off this summer his parents would love meeting me.”

“Neville Longbottom?” Lily asked, and Harry nodded. “His parents are wonderful. You’d like them.” And Harry actually smiled.

“I don’t really know where I’d stay for sure, though,” Harry said. “I haven’t quite figured out how to navigate everywhere. I wouldn’t know how to get to Ron’s – and Hermione has said that while a visit is fine, spending a month at her home again might worry her parents.”

“You could try thinking of here as where you stop between visits,” Sirius suggested, but Harry’s shrug didn’t seem like much of an agreement. “You have to spend some time here, otherwise things will continue to not get better.”

“I know,” Harry said with a sigh. Remus and Sirius looked at each other, and Sirius cocked his head to the side, and Remus had an idea of what Sirius was about to suggest.

“If it’s okay with your parents, you could use our house as your stopping point. And then we could all visit each other throughout the summer to make sure you continue talking,” Sirius said.

“That could work,” James said, looking to Lily, then Sirius and Remus, and finally Harry.

“And we’ll all get together as a family, every…” Lily trailed off.

“Two or three weeks?” Harry offered, and Remus inwardly sighed, because that was progress.

They finished lunch, and Harry talked a little bit about what he did last summer. His stay at Hermione’s, and the places she showed him. He talked a little bit about Luna, just enough that Remus could see the question about _what_ Luna was to Harry on James’ and Lily’s faces, but not asking, especially after he talked about Draco in an almost similar manner. And they all hugged when the three of them left.

“Thanks for having me,” Harry said that evening.

“Anytime.”

“I feel like I was supposed to stay there and I just wasn’t ready,” Harry said.

Remus smiled warmly at him. “That’s okay. This is a start. It takes a lot of courage to ask for the space you need.”

The next day Harry asked if it would be okay for Luna to visit for a few days before they went hiking with Draco for a weekend, and Remus had shrugged as Sirius said why not. And it made it easier that Harry would be gone for the full moon, though Remus knew Harry would be able to take care of himself while he and Sirius were busy. And Remus had his own theory as to why Harry and Luna would be running off during the full moon.

Which was all but confirmed when Luna asked, naturally, “Sirius, were you a puppy when you first became an animagi?”

Sirius gave her a look, confused not because she knew even though he was unregistered – she _was_ Harry’s partner of sorts – but because of the specific nature of the question. Something that was true, because teenage dogs were still puppies and they had been teenagers, but none of them had been expecting it. Because it wasn’t written anywhere. Why would Luna know to ask that? Remus looked at Harry who was giving Luna the most startled look, like he couldn’t _believe_ that she had just asked that, and Remus had to hold his tongue as a smile placed itself on his face and a laugh tried to fill his mouth.

“I was,” Sirius replied as Luna looked at him. “It was a surprise. I had a theory that my animal form would probably be a dog,” his eyes flicked to Remus, before narrowing slightly at the expression on Remus’ face, “but I hadn’t considered that I’d be a puppy first.” Remus rubbed at his cheek, trying to make the smile go away, without much success. Harry was looking at him, and Luna now looked at Harry. Sirius’ eyebrows lowered, confused. “Why?”

Luna looked back at him with a smile. “My father has been writing an article for his paper about animagi, and he theorized that animagi who became their animal form before adulthood would be younger versions of those animals, since they’re based off of who you are as opposed to animal transfiguration spells, which just make you look like the animal as you picture within the spell.”

Remus couldn’t help it. He choked on a laugh. Harry turned bright red, and stared at his plate. Sirius looked between all of them. “What am I missing?” he asked indignantly, and Remus just shook his head.

“Nothing, love. Don’t worry about it,” he said glancing at Luna, who was also slightly flushed, but less physically put off than Harry was.

“Thanks for the verification,” Luna said to Sirius, and he nodded slowly.

“Can you please explain what happened at dinner?” Sirius said as Remus set up the dishes to cast the cleaning spell. Remus glanced at him, and was startled a moment later to find himself backed into the counter, Sirius’ hands on either side of him, face an inch away. He flushed.

“Just a theory,” Remus said, and Sirius leaned close to his ear, nuzzling it gently. Remus’ hands floated to Sirius’ sides. “And they all but confirmed it tonight.”

“Do tell.”

“I think that Harry and Luna became animagi,” he said, and Sirius leaned back to look at him properly, eyes widened in surprise. “Possibly a few of their other friends, but I’m not sure.”

“Really?”

“Mandrake leaves, among a few other things, have gone missing from Madam Pomfrey’s potions and supplies closet. Neville volunteers to help with the organization of the closet. Minerva said Luna and Harry are two of her best students in transfiguration. They’re going hiking _somewhere_ during the full moon – and you heard how Harry talked about Draco. Hermione is brilliant and would know how to find what books explain how to become an animagus – she’s the best researcher at Hogwarts. And Luna asked about you being a puppy. The Quibbler has some radical and accurate guesses, but that’s far too specific, and not typically what he writes about. And you saw how they both reacted during the conversation at dinner – especially Harry,” he said.

Sirius just stared at him. “They’re going hiking during the full moon?”

“With Draco Malfoy,” Remus said.

Sirius tilted his head to the side. “And you think he’s…”

“It’s possible. I know there’s at least one student at Hogwarts who’s a werewolf. Madam Pomfrey mentioned needing to make wolfsbane more often because of there being more than just myself,” Remus said. Sirius nodded.

“I wonder what they become,” he murmured.

“You could ask.”

Sirius leaned forward and kissed his lips, long and slow. “Maybe later.”

Which was how the morning Harry and Luna were leaving, Sirius blatantly asked, “So, what animals do you become?”

“I’m a rabbit,” Luna said, looking to Harry, who seemed embarrassed, but unsurprised.

“Sort of a cat,” he replied.

“Sort of?” Sirius asked.

“Do you know what fairy cats are?” Luna asked. They both looked at her. “They’re a wild cat native to Scotland. They look like large tabby cats that are graceful enough to walk on snow.” She beamed at Harry. “They’re adorable as kittens.”

Harry’s face turned bright red. “Oh, would you stop?” he said bumping her with his shoulder. Remus laughed, and remembered teasing Sirius about him being a puppy.

After the moon, and once Harry was back, they all got together to go for a walk. It had been Remus’ idea, which he had explained to Sirius, who had agreed.

“Hey Prongs!” Sirius shouted, putting the plan into motion as they walked through the trees, “Harry! Bet you can’t catch me!” before he shifted into Padfoot and barked at them. Harry stiffened next to Remus, and glanced at his parents. James rolled his eyes.

“You’ll be fine,” Remus said quietly to Harry, which caught Lily’s ear, but not James. And Harry nodded before making his shift.

Perhaps kitten wasn’t completely accurate, but he wasn’t full grown yet either. Lily froze next to him, and James’ mouth opened slightly when Harry ran by in his animal form at Sirius who was starting to run away. “When,” James started, but shook his head with a slight laugh, before making the shift himself.

And Remus and Lily watched the three play.

“They needed this,” Lily said softly.

“Oh?”

“A similarity. I know Harry plays Quidditch, but James and him only ever ended up arguing about it. This is something they can have that doesn’t involve talking necessarily,” she said, smiling. Remus nodded. “Probably good for Sirius and James, too.”

“I imagine.”

The summer turned into a cycle. Harry would leave before the full moon to go be with Draco, information he freely offered, and every few weeks they’d get together for part of day – once, they all spent the night at the Potter’s home – and Harry would visit his friends. Harry even dragged Draco to their home at one, and Sirius had walked into his and Remus’ room with the most peculiar face. “What is it, love?” he asked as Sirius climbed onto the bed next to him.

“Got to walk in on Harry and Draco,” he said, and Remus laughed, earning a glare from his partner. “I think they’re more embarrassed. But aren’t Harry and Luna,” Sirius stopped, and made a face which made Remus laugh again

“You had multiple people you messed around with at Hogwarts,” Remus said, and Sirius nodded.

“Yeah, I guess.”

And Remus was glad that Harry was looking better. Occasionally still down, and Remus wasn’t sure if he was supposed to comment on the fact that Harry always went to bed early and slept in late after they visited his parents. But it was like Harry had said. Better.

They agreed that Harry would try staying back with his parents during winter break, and it went well. James asked about Harry’s potions, and how he was doing, and Harry had answered about the way that they shifted his perception more positively and made work easier to do. They played as animals, and nobody questioned why Harry asked to spend time away during the full moon.

James offered to start spending the full moon’s that Remus wasn’t away with him and Sirius, and Sirius and James had gotten into a fake argument about whether Sirius alone was enough to handle Remus.

Things weren’t perfect, but they were getting better.

Harry stopped by Remus’ office a month after the break and two days before the full moon. Remus wasn’t surprised. Harry made a habit of stopping by when he and Sirius were both there, and they talked for a little while, until he said he should probably head to bed.

“Thanks,” Harry said quietly, stopping in the doorway.

“What for?” Sirius asked, and Harry smiled.

“For finding me when I wanted to disappear.”

**Author's Note:**

> So... you like it? I hope? I mean, you got this far, and the dang thing is 32 pages long, so it at least caught your interest. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed that. It's my first time posting on Ao3, so, hopefully it'll happen again? I normally just do quiet fic exchanges with my friends. I'm pretty proud of this, though. Comments are very welcome, and I'll probably melt if I get any. Have a nice day and all of that jazz.  
> <3


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